Make it make you appreciate what you have.

This is a crazy long entry about nothing other than my rantings on my results haha.
Just needed to spill it all out (:
It`s not your usual rantings okay, I`m not like complaining in this post like others do.
I just wanted so much get it all out, my internal struggle.
So here goes.

I`m okay with it.
Just okay.
But I know I should be happier.
I mean, seriously.
Like I`ve always wanted what I got.
When I looked back at my diary, the entries that dated far back like Feb-July 07,
I saw myself hoping to get my results. Really.
I was like, wah if I get that I happy d lor.
Must get that. Must. Must.

I knew I could not get straight, cos my add math sucks big time.
No, really. I`m not like those fools who go :
"Aiyoo.. I suck in what and what.. Sure die wan la !"
But instead they get As for the "sure die" subjects.
That`s not me. When I say I`m not good in what and what, I AM not good.
No faking/fake modesty.

So when tension was building up the day before I collected my results,
I went to hibernate quietly in my room and decided to :
GO THROUGH ALL MY SPM PAPERS.
haha.

And as I went through, I really did some rethinking.
Did I really think I could get what I wanted and wrote in my diary last year?
Could I, really ?
I mean, I was really just too active for my own good in
every other thing except my studies.
Come on, Rachel. Wake up already.
I expected to do badly (in my standards)
like 2/3As or something.
I was like, 5As also happy d la.
And I really did think I would get 5 only though I aimed higher.
I really really did think I would fail/8E my history.
And please people, don`t you "puhleeeese" me.
And don`t "AIYA, wont fail wan la ! How can fail ! Spm std so low"
Cos I really thought I did badly.
I mean my paper 1 was like 25-28 out of 40 and
my paper 2, I couldn`t do Q1-2 for essay,
so FORCED to do 3-5 which I knew only a bit about.
So yes.

Cum the day of reckoning, turns out I got what I aimed for, what I wrote in my diary.
I was INSANE ECSTATIC when I got it.
It wasn`t GREAT or FANTABULOUS or THE BEST.
but considering my preperation, I was insane happy.
Like shouting skipping laughing oh-so-loudly punya happy.
I thanked God over and over again, for giving me this results.
I don`t think what I did warrant such good results too, cos I played just way too much.
I was just so so so grateful.
But huh, my, did my feelings change.

My happiness/gratefulness wore off and I became an ungrateful girl.
The whole day after that I just could not comprehend how I was so close yet so far.
If only I could get A2s for those 2 B3s.
Then I would have even achieved something I never thought I could !
And it would be such a great feeling !
And my parents would be even more proud.
Along the way, I lost myself. I forgot the fact that, hey, did I even study that hard
to get those A2s ? I mean, B3s are good enough ! considering how little I studied.

I forgot to be happy, not with the number of As, but with the fact that
I didn`t fail/8E anything, like history.
Instead I got an A2 for my history.
And I forgot all about it. That A2 just vanished, dissipated among those B3s.
Don`t you "Seeee ! Say you`ll fail and all.. got A2 in the end also what !" me.
Cos I sincerely did think there was a possibility I could get a 9G okay.
I became the most ungrateful child. I must have hurt God so much that day.
And I`m so sorry for not appreciating what You blessed me with.

Then BenJ msged me to ask my results. And my heart sank.
He msged all the way for NZ. And it`s not like I did brilliant.
So I told him how I could have gotten 2 more As.
And his reply surprised me. It woke me up.

He said, "hey, if you were happy when you first got it, then you should be still.
No point saying "if" here and "if" there, cos it did no one any good.
"If" I got those 2 A2s, "if" I`d studied harder.
So, don`t be disappointed cos what is done is done."
He actually said much more and it knocked some sense into me.
One particular line that struck me was this :
"And what makes you so sure you were so close to the A2s ?
Maybe you were just the borderline of 2 B4s but managed to get B3s ?
So, you wouldn`t know right, cos its just grades, not marks."

Yes, it does seem harsh at first but no, I`m thankful he said that.
It sure made me realize what a fool I was.
Like come on ! I got what I first wanted already !
So yes, thanks BenJ (:

Right now, I am indeed satisfied and grateful with my results.
But that sinking feeling in my stomach that comes everytime when someone
asks my results just kills me.
But I guess when I hide in my corner at the end of the day and look at all my many
other achievements, my certs in sports, clubs, societies and whatnots,
I begin to realize, hey, my results are good enough.
Duh, they could have been better, but come on, since when does Rachel study deii ?
Haha, so yes, thank God.