Make it my very own abang Chang

Having a big brother is just so.... Wonderful :):))

Sure, there's the fighting & hair-pulling & sore throats from screaming at each other, but trust me, that ends when both siblings reach their youth. Actually it really only happens when they're small. After that, you really appreciate the existence of the other. You care for each other. You love each other. You rely on each other. The only kin you have once your parents pass on. And yeah, sometimes you don't really see eye to eye or you get reprimanded by yr older sibling, but then that's just how life is. You can't be up up up all the way.

I guess I never realized how time passed me by, how I failed to see how my abang of 22 years has grown into a matured (I hope, haha! I'm spoiling it lol) person. Failed to notice how he gained experience from his life and based his advice on them. How wise his thinking is sometimes. I guess I used to see him last time as just a brother, there in my life as just another Chang. But never really sought advice or asked him his opinion or asked for his help. I'm relating all these of course, to matters of great importance and not just about frivolous stuff like his opinion on clothes etcetc.

No doubt, the many many miles between us these past few years have indeed affected our communication. I figure that if he had still been in Malaysia, the changes I saw in him yesterday wouldn't haven been such a revelation. It's probably because we don't speak on a daily basis and when we do on the phone, it was for short periods or time, talking about friends and shopping and the weather and other everyday stuff. But the call yesterday, and the events leading up to it, really made me feel like, wow, my kor is so caring. Like, why didn't I really see this before? Maybe I just wasn't looking hard enough ;)

Few weeks leading up to my A2 exams, he would ask my mom when my exams were so he could pray for me. He asked me through Facebook when the exact dates of my exams were and what subjects so he could keep track. And he texted on the 4th of June to check up on me. My AS Econs essay was on 5th June.

"Hello hello :) how were the 1st 2 papers? You're pretty good at Law yeah? How do you feel about tmw? Been praying for you and I'm sure He will see you through with the desired results. Just hang on tight and enjoy the ride! Lol and study properly also la."

I didn't reply cos I was chanting loads and loads of Econs facts, trying to force them to stick in my brain lol. But the text made me feel loads better :)

A week went by and it was soon time for my A2 Econs essay paper which was yesterday, 10th (Wed). The time to enter the MPH in Taylor's came and went and I survived the traumatising ordeal of not knowing what questions would come out and if I could do them and if I should do 25 mark questions etcetc. The next day, today (Thurs), was my AS Econs MCQ paper, so it wasn't as important as yesterday's cos yesterday's is like insane, so many things to memorize, just a lot a lot of notes and all. I took the whole of Tuesday to do more chanting to get all my A2 facts in my head and was holed up in my room, memorizing like a crazy retarded nut haha.

He called last night at 10.30pm Malaysian time cos he wanted to ask me how I was doing before the big paper the next day. Actually he got the dates mixed up. He thought the next day, today (Thurs), was the big A2 essay paper. Padahal, that afternoon itself I had already sat for the A2 paper. So, what I'm trying to say is, it's so cool that God does this weird things, like how he mixed up the dates, cos if he did not, and if he called on the eve of my real A2 essay exam, I wouldn't have been able to talk to him for 2 hours cos I would need the time to go memorize and.. memorize.

But instead, he called yesterday night and we managed to talk about everything, my babbling on and on about all my present worries and not knowing what I should do and telling him what I thought about the future if things didn't work out and just everything that was on my mind. I could finally unload to my sibling. Yeah, I have my parents and in fact I unloaded to them last week too haha. But I guess nothing beats telling and getting advice from an older youth, yknow?

I'm a worrier. And I'm a perfectionist. So, that's not a really good combo. If things don't go how I want them to, or how I visualize them to in the future, I start to worry. Excessively. Worry and worry and worry. Blablabla. How if I don't... What if this happens.. And then like that how... If tak jadi then... and so on. I think and think and think too much and get very negative at times. And because of all these, I forget that there's a Master at work that actually already knows what's gona happen. And He knows the best for me. All I have to do is stop believing the father of lies and start trusting Him. And be patient and see how things unfold instead of speculating with thousands of what ifs. And so this is where abang's maturity comes in. He puts things into perspective. To assure and lemme know that, hey, if tak jadi, tak jadi lah, it wasn't His will. You tried your best. There's a different plan for you.

The whole convo last night was very assuring and comforting and I realized that my brother is a very caring person. And that he loves me a lot. My fears, my cares, my worries just came tumbling out, each competing to have dominance over the other. And abang tried to talk things over and advice. After the depressing an hour or so talk, we started talking about Australia and every other fun things, friends, current happenings, zoos. I guess we all need someone close to talk to sometimes, and if mine can't be with me now, Imma go to him haha. Next week kor, next week ;)

Yes, this is a long post, but I guess this is me unloading again ;) Lol.

After the convo, a text came in from him saying :

"Good catching up lil sis! Deep down I know you can do it so fret not, keep your head up and go through them the best you can. Final 50m in the 400m! You can see the ribbon ahead, just gotto touch it. If you need inspiration, think of Messi, had growth problem due to hormonal issues and gave everything up to get treatment in Spain. See where he is today in Barca. And of course, our Lord and Saviour who holds your world in His palms and wants the best for you, His lil sheep :) "

Hahaha, Messi ;) The last words, I felt, were really cute and held a lot of meaning, one, because if you didn't know, Rachel means ewe, female sheep, so that's really cute, and two, because I remembered then that He is our Sheperd and we are His sheep and He will take care of every lil sheep of His ;)

"You need to believe. All the winners you see, always believe."
"Everyone needs a dream. You need a dream."

Thanks for listening to all my blablablas and yadayadayadas, kor :)
Love you much :):))

And when we fly back, we will be Changs on a plane! Hahahah yes, very random lol, something created by Ju-Hann haha. Reminds me of Snakes on a Plane, the movie lol.